Here We Go Again

It's time to panic. I'm almost back to my high. I've gone nuts the past couple of months. Even today, after weighing, I went nuts. I had four (4!) sausage burritos from McDonalds. I have a 30-mile, 35 minute morning drive. I stopped at the McDonalds near my house first and got two. They tasted so good to me (they were warm) that when I got to Frankfort, I stopped at the McDonalds there and got two more. And they were good, too. But that's just nuts.

I "compensated" at lunch. My co-workers wanted to go out, and I wanted to go, too. We went to a local deli -- I had half a chicken salad sandwich, a small salad, and some frest fruit. Any other day that would have been great. But I really had no business eating lunch so soon after having four breakfast burritos.

I felt full the rest of the afternoon. I thought that I'd make it home and maybe have a JC dinner or something. But as I left, I wanted to eat again. I stopped at the KFC and got a twister. Another terrible choice. But I've been craving the mayo-based sauce KFC uses on its sandwiches. It tasted good again tonight, but I felt pathetic by the time I got home.

My binge impulse almost went off again before I got there, but I went straight home anyway. I felt very down and dowdy when I first got home. I was trying to figure out why I wanted to binge. I think it's somewhat related to "control" and "indulgence." But that's very misdirected -- because I think I'm irked at myself for not taking control of a couple of personal and work issues that I really should be able to take control of. At work, I'm struggling to finish a particular project, and though it's really time to stop and move on, I'm not doing that. In the personal realm, I think I'm mad at myself for not standing up for what I really want in one of my personal relationships with a friend. So I guess I've been punishing myself by binging.

Once home, I straightened the house a bit, sorted through recyclables (it's pick-up day tomorrow). Then I remembered that I had to make a hotel reservation for an upcoming trip, and the time I spent on the computer doing that finally got my mind off food and my "I'm pathetic" thoughts. After that I grabbed the iPod and took a 30-minute walk around the neighborhood. Just before I left, I got a call from a special someone, and that put me a great mood for the walk.

Love having the iPod, because tonight I didn't stick with one playlist -- I jumped around from song to song. I didn't do hard-core dance, tonight, but a mixture of rock and smooth grooves. Felt much better by the time I got back. And I've had nothing to eat the rest of the evening. We'll see how it goes.