What the Heck Am I Doing?

Today my weight is 205.8 pounds on my bathroom scale. This is my lifetime high – I was also at this weight 13 days ago. My BMI is at 34.8, the tip top of “Class I” obese. Yet I’m still sitting here craving food – I am even considering pizza, which is crazy because that would send my weight even higher, yet part of me doesn’t care. And yet I do care. I hated the way I looked in a picture a friend took of me last week. But more importantly, I don’t feel healthy. I don’t feel ill or sick, but I don’t feel healthy. I can tell that I’m out of shape when I walk up stairs, etc.

I’ve been feeling down about my weight this week, and on some days this week I did well eating-wise, but then my eating and drinking this weekend has erased all of that. And then yesterday, my mom send me what she titled a “Mom Worry Email”. As I’ve noted earlier, she has been really working on her weight after being diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. She has done well and I’m proud of her. Understandably, she has been worried about my weight:

I weighed 197 this morning. This is not as low as my brief 196 and a fourth, but it is thirteen and a half pounds less than what I weighed on my birthday ... and about 15 pounds less than I weighed on your birthday. This goes slowly, but it does go, and I think if were more disciplined about exercise (my aching muscles discourage me I have to say) then I think it would go a little faster. What is worrying me most, however, is your weight. I am worried that you may weigh more than you did on your birthday - perhaps even more than I weigh now [I have not told my mom what I weigh, in part because I knew she would panic] - and I am three inches taller and a much bigger framed person overall.

(1) I would urge you to weigh faithfully. If your scales are not accurate - come over and use mine, and no one will look. Or buy your own set of balance beam scales. You have room in one of the baths, I would think. Facing reality is the first step towards making important changes.

(2) Make no mistake - the kind of weight you are now carrying will kill you - or perhaps worse, make your life physically miserable long before it kills you. I am not trying to scare you - well maybe I am - but I did not move into similar numbers until my fifties - and perhaps given my height - I have never been in numbers similar to yours (given your short stature/frame.) Well - I once did hit 221 ... the year after [my grandmother] went "down" and [my dad] was so ill and you divorced and the terrorists attacked. I think that was stress weight - and I fairly quickly came back down to the 210 - 212 range. Still, keep in mind that I am 5'7" tall and have huge feet and hands. I'm a big woman. This is way too much weight for me, but it is not the same ratio as for you at 5'4". The point though is this - As the doctor in choir said to his daughter - you are too young to carry this much weight.

(3) With things a little more slack at work, perhaps now is the time to seriously think about what you can do. I continue to worry that there is some physiological reason you gain so rapidly. Have you considered consulting an endocrinologist? There is little that you have not tried - and I heard the discouragement in your voice when you rattled off the different diets and different years to [my sister] the other night. You got a bum deal in the weight dept. of life (but an overdose of brains and personality and overall common sense so I guess one has to take what one is given and make the best of it.)

Personally I think you will have to do something different - something more "drastic." - to lose weight again, though perhaps I am wrong. You have succeeded with Jenny Craig and regular exercise in the past and might be able to do so again. I have wondered about HMR - Dr. Anderson's deal at UK. It would be expensive, but it might give you an "in" with their endocrinology department, and also give you the kind of one on one professional support you are going to need to get this weight off. From what I read online, they emphasize long term counseling. I possibly could do this with you depending on the cost - and depending on their advice for diabetics. I really need to get down to about 160 - 165 for health reasons.

I have also wondered about psychological counseling - if you have issues with overeating that I am unaware of. I do not see you eat enough - you eat wisely when we are together - to gain the way you do, but when I suggest a physical problem re: weight gain, you seem to indicate that you think you know why you are gaining -= that you are indeed overeating. Only you can answer that question. But you should not keep gaining weight on grilled salmon salads for dinner and turkey chef salads at lunch, etc. So be honest with yourself about what you are eating/drinking/doing.

(4) Keep in mind that my concern is that you reach a healthy weight. I am not bugging you about being model thin - a size 4 or whatever. This is not about looks - though you are a beautiful woman, your beauty a natural asset that could be helpful to you professionally, socially and emotionally - but about good health and living out your natural lifetime. It would be so much easier/better to discipline yourself now than to wait until you have a stroke or heart attack or develop diabetes or serious muscular skeletal issues. Then - there can never be a treat - a lapse - a vacation - or a sense of physical well-being.

(5) Of course, I worry that alcohol consumption may play a role in your weight issues. Only you know if that is true. Alcohol abuse is - well, abuse - and just as silly and unnecessary as any other drug abuse. It is not cool or smart and will not make you more popular. Right now, it is the "new" smoking ... but the smokers of my generation mostly ended up with cancer. So how cool is cancer? Hard to be popular when you're dead. Excessive, ongoing drinking will lead to both emotional and physical problems for your generation - for those not wise enough to recognize the risks. It seems less innocuous than illegal drugs - and I guess maybe it is - but it is NOT innocuous. I'm not talking about the occasional glass of wine or drink - but the day after day, week after week, of steady drinking that - if one is honest - is more than the standard definition of "a serving." Granted - others may be able to drink like fish and gain no weight - or even seem to avoid an addiction problem. But women, I've read over and over, are more impacted physically by alcohol than men - it causes more damage to their liver and increases their risk of breast cancer a lot - and are also more likely to get addicted. ... It is good that you do not drink alone. But if you abuse alcohol in groups - you are still abusing - drinking too much.

Well, I just love you so much. And I worry. I worry about you. Because I love you so much. Mom

I thought about editing some of this, but then I thought that would be dishonest. Mom touches on a number of themes that have recurred throughout my battles with my weight: the fact that I’ve tried a number of different diet programs, my frustration when I regain the weight, and my tendency to do most of my overeating in private. The latter has made my mom wonder if I have a physical ailment, but I’m not really sure that I do – my thyroid has been tested during weight gain before, and that’s normal.

As for the alcohol, she is right that the drinking I do does not aid my weight loss. I’ve noticed in particular lately that beer is worse for my weight than wine, even when I drink light beer. However, if I have too much wine, I will start eating to sober myself up.

Do I abuse alcohol? I have never thought so, but I should examine it. I do my drinking is social situations, which used to be only on weekends, but I do more drink more at social occasions during the week now. So I don’t know. . . I should say, however, that my mom does not drink at all, and wish I wouldn’t drink at all, either.

So where to go from here? I’ve resisted doing something as drastic as a medically supervised liquid diet, but going back to Jenny Craig food fills me dread – I don’t mean to insult the food itself – most of it is pretty good, but I burned out on it and have not gotten over it. Yet, I don’t have much time to cook. I don’t know what I can do, but I’ve got to find something.