Yes, I really have been dieting this time! -- Here's what I picked and why

I thought I was going to blog more before I started my new plan, but I guess I got too busy. I definitely have busy since I started the diet a little over three weeks ago.

So here's the deal -- I decided to do the HMR program associated with the University of Kentucky. A few months ago I wrote that I wasn't sure I could do that, but my utter inability to get myself on any kind of plan changed my mind. In other words, I was getting desperate. :-)

I had explored a few other options -- I thought about ordering Nutrisystem food -- I knew there'd be no difference between that and what I had done on Jenny Craig, but I thought I might enjoy slightly different entree choices. I also explored a new program at a Georgetown, Kentucky, hospital called HALT -- it offered medical monitoring and meetings with a dietician, but it did not appear to have a hard and fast food program, and I wasn't sure I was going to be disciplined enough to make healthy food choices without someone handing the food to me. (At first I was also annoyed when they seemed oblivious to the schedules of all the working women in the room -- they said the class would be Thursday afternoons, but were not sure of the time. They did eventually decide to make the class at 5pm to accommodate people.)

Meanwhile, my mother had encouraged me to go to the HMR program's informational meeting on Thursday evenings, but I could not find time to leave my office in time to make any of those held in September. I finally got to go, however, on the second Thursday in October -- I had had a long week of getting up earlier than I used to in order to adjust to my new boss's schedule and preparing for a big meeting I had that Thursday morning. But the meeting went well and my new boss complimented me and I found myself with time to make it to Lexington for a 6:30pm meeting, though just barely. My mother met me there.

I missed a few minutes, but it felt like the program coordinator just jumped into describing what the program was -- no great platitudes or promises, just a description of the different variations of the program: all shakes, shakes and entrees (which I had not really realized you could do), or shakes and entrees and fruits and vegetables (what they call "Healthy Solutions"). She described the medical monitoring levels, etc. She described the class attendance requirement. In other words, she was pretty straightforward. Her style acknowledged that losing weight is tough, and keeping weight off is hard. I liked the approach.

Then she announced what time the current "core" class was: 4:30pm on Wednesdays. My heart sank. Given the late time for the info session, I had really hoped it would be a true evening class that would not require me to miss work. Why, I asked myself, do these programs not realize how busy a working woman is? Who are these classes for anyway?

After she finished speaking, she announced that the staff would be making appointments for those still interested in the order we arrived. Since Mom and me were the last ones there, we stayed in the conference room after everyone went to another room. I told Mom I was disappointed about the 4:30 time, and Mom agreed. But I started to discuss aloud that my new boss might understand and would let me take the time once a week, based on what I had observed of her so far -- I was thinking particularly about how my boss had gone out of her way to compliment me about the meeting. Before I completed the whole thought, I let the stress that had been building inside me out and began crying a little. Mom understood, and then we laughed a little, too. The coordinator came by during this time and gave me a tissue. I discussed my dilemna with her a little too. She listened, and I liked her even more.

In the end, I went ahead and signed up for my introductory physical -- I put it over a week out in order to give myself time to talk to my boss and adjust my schedule. And I put it on a day I knew I was going to be out of the office and in Lexington anyway. The next day, the coordinator called and told me that if the 4:30 pm was a real burden I could switch to a 6:15 class when that new core class started in a few weeks, even though the program usually didn't encourage that because I'd be sitting through some of the same stuff again. Told you I liked her.

But I didn't need to worry about my boss's reaction -- when I discussed the matter with her a couple of days later, she was fine it, which I figured she would be. I like her, too.

What's brought me to the verge of starting a new plan

Website changes complete -- for now.

Okay, so my weight and eating habits have been awful the past two months. As I noted yesterday, I hit a new lifetime peak -- 207.8 pounds on September 25, 2006. I haven't exercised much and have begun to physically feel "not right" again -- I've finally noticed my hard breathing after minor exertions of energy. My scariest moment thus far was this past Monday -- because the elevators were momentarily down at my office building, I climbed about six and a half flights of stairs from the lobby to my office floor. I was able to do it relatively quickly (I was trying to get to a meeting on time), but I was quite winded, which I expected. What I did not expect, however, was feeling like my legs were going to give way with more than a flight to go. That really scared me.

Also that same day, I looked in the mirror at work and thought my face looked fat. Now, I've seen photographs of me and my face and knew I probably looked fat to most people, but I hadn't seen it as much when I looked at myself in the mirror -- I guess I kind of know how to hold my head when looking in the mirror to make it look the most flattering. (I think we all kind of do that -- that's why most of us can be shocked by how we look in a photograph.) Well, that day, even I thought my face looked fat.

Before that, however, I'd already become uncomfortable with my appearance in recent social situations. A couple of weeks ago I went to a nice get-together of professional women in my field, and I envied how good some of them looked. I also was warm and perspiring and was not wearing my best work outfit and felt even more self-conscious. I wanted to be able to wear some of the cute business suits the other women were wearing.

I suppose one of the reasons I've been so reckless with my eating and fitness habits the past few weeks is the stress over big changes at work. My boss left at the end of September, and we worked a few late evenings trying to wrap up a lot of things before she left. Then we had to get adjusted to the new boss who came in from outside our workplace -- none of us were sure what changes the new boss wanted to make, if any. I knew I could be let go at any time if she wanted to -- that is her perogative. At the same time, at least three people I worked with closely announced they were leaving for great career opportunities elsewhere. While I have had more hectic, stressful moments at my job, I now realize that this undercurrent of uncertainty over the past few weeks has taken its toll on me physically and emotionally.

The changes at work have started to settle down and I'm feeling more and more comfortable with my new boss. However, these recent changes have reminded me that my job is not a long-term one and that I have to look forward to what I'm going to do next. And part of that is reining my weight in, because I realize that being fat does impact what others think about you, at least when they first meet you.

So I started exploring options for getting this weight under control -- I'll talk more about that in the next post.