It's been a weird month. . .

I've been in job limbo the whole time. After waiting for almost four weeks, I was told, without much explanation, that I was getting the original job I interviewed for, rather than the higher one I'd also been offered. I was told to expect the official offer in a week. When I didn't hear anything after a week and a half, I called again, and was told, again without much explanation, that I was being considered for both jobs again. After another week, I finally heard that I'm getting the higher level job again, but that wasn't what I considered the official word. After three business days of no official word, I called this morning, and though I haven't gotten the official "call," some people thought I was starting my new job tomorrow (the 16th). Even though it's late, I'm still thinking I might be starting work tomorrow. It's really crazy, and it has kept me on edge.

In the meantime, I got sick again. And now I'm getting over being sick a third time. The illness has been a little different each time. But now I'm taking an antibiotic, so hopefully it'll get better.

Haven't been too successful with the weight. I haven't gotten back to my high, but I was too chicken to weigh on a couple of days when I thought I might top it. (I ate a lot of pizza a week ago tonight.) And I haven't broken the 200 barrier. And between illness and weather I haven't been walking enough.

Okay, enough of that. Here's the Tuesday numbers: 200.8 lbs. on the bathroom scale. Total weight loss to date: 2.8 lbs.

I'm up, I'm sick, but I got my walking in.

As I anticipated, I was up on the scale this morning to 202.0. Sigh. I've been a little better today, but mainly because I have cold symptoms and don't feel like eating anything. I have a runny nose and my head is feeling drained. But I walked! I got in 45 minutes, though my pace might have been a bit slower than normal. I thought being out in the 80 degree weather this afternoon would help how I felt, but I actually got more tired and sick feeling while I was doing it. But at least I got some exercise in.

My Walking Challenge

Last week I looked at a website called http://www.thewalkingsite.com . I found it doing a Google/A9 search for "marathon walking" -- that's a far-off goal. However, they had just started a "Beginners Fall Walking Challenge," so I joined their group on Yahoo. They set a goal for each week. Last week the goal was walking four days out of week for 15 minutes each day. Since I had been walking intermittently before that, I usually walked 30-60 minutes, instead. But the challenge did discipline me into walking four days, and I made myself walk at times of the day when I might have otherwise shrugged it off.

This week, the goal is walking five days for at least 20 minutes each day. I've already completed two of the five days. (As you can see in a prior post, I even combined it with my errands.) Again, I made myself walk when I might not have otherwise, so I think it's been a good motivator for me thus far. Of course, it's helped that the weather here in Kentucky has been so beautiful. I'm not sure what the site's suggestion for walking in bad weather is. I'll have to look.

A week after the peak . . .

It's been a week since the peak, and I'm down to 200.8 lbs. -- a loss of 2.8. I'm not as happy about that as I have been about prior weight losses because I'm still above 200. In other words, I haven't lost all the weight I put on nine days ago.

I went to Jenny Craig today for the first time since I went above 200 on my bathroom scale. I hit my high there. I'm not even sure what it was -- I didn't memorize it. I guess I'm more focused on my bathroom scale lately.

Unfortunately, I did not eat well today. After Jenny Craig, I went through the Pizza Hut express drive-thru near my house and got a personal pan pizza/breadstick combo. When I got home, I returned a call to my friend, "EB," who wanted to go to lunch at Moe's Southwest Grill because he had a coupon, and, well, he's unemployed right now. (As am I, still, but that's another post.) And it's a buy-one, get-one-free coupon. I said sure, let's go. I hadn't eaten the pizza yet, and considered putting it in the microwave. But, instead, for reasons I still don't completely understand, I chose complete decadence and ate the pizza before he arrived. INSANE, isn't it? I put the breadsticks in the microwave for later. And then I hid the other evidence from my friend by throwing it away. Eating in secret -- never healthy.

So when EB arrived, we decided to walk to Moe's because it was such a nice day. I knew I couldn't eat a burrito, but instead of trying a salad, I tried a quesadilla. It might be a little healthier than other quesadillas, but it didn't taste as good as I've had at other local restaurants. (No, I'm not including the Taco Bell one I had last week, but that one does have a decent sauce on it.) And I ate the colorful tortilla chips that came with it.

Amazingly, my stomach did not ache or explode. (I had not eaten anything before I went to Jenny Craig, so that might explain it.) We walked around the shopping center some more before going back to my house. I did a lot of physical chores around the house, nothing requiring too much exertion, but physically active nonetheless. Meanwhile, EB worked on my computer. After he left a few hours later, I had the breadsticks for "dinner." Then I walked for 3o minutes before walking to Meijer for a few items. Then I came back and snacked again. Ugh. I'm nervous about what will be on the scale tomorrow. . .

11:17pm -- P.S. After writing most of the last post, my browser froze up, and I thought I'd lost the whole post and the time I spent composing it. (While I realize this post is no great work of literature, I still would have been disappointed to have lost it.) Fortunately, however, I was able to recover the post when I logged back into Blogger with one click of the mouse. My opinion of Blogger has now increased. Thank you, tech guys!

No, that wasn't the peak . . .

. . . the peak was yesterday. My nutso eating on Monday (especially some late night pasta) made me gain a pound on my bathroom scale -- a whopping 203.6 lbs.! But I did better foodwise yesterday. I had Jenny Craig meals for breakfast and lunch (silver dollar pancakes and pesto pizza, respectively), and I had a couple of Jenny Craig snacks (one more than you're supposed to have for one day), but I did not snack otherwise. For dinner I went to my parents' house, where Mom made tacos with Laura's Lean hamburger meat. I had three tacos (the shells were the normal, sort-of-small grocery store brand size). Then Mom and I walked for about 45-50 minutes in her neighborhood. I stayed at the house until ten in the evening.

As I drove home, however, I got hungry again. I hated the fact I was hungry, but I decided to satisfy it. In keeping with the night's Tex-Mex theme, I went through the Taco Bell drive-thru near my home and got a chicken quesadilla. Not the perfect choice, but not as much food as other items I frequently get at Taco Bell -- the Crunchwrap Supreme and 2 Chalupas. So I think the quesadilla was a reasoned choice for a drive-thru open past 10pm on a weeknight. It truly satisfied me, too. And I was not hungry the rest of the evening. I did have two glasses of wine after a friend came over, but the wine did not trigger any food cravings.

This morning, I was down 2.6 lbs. to 201.0. Yea! I know that yesterday I just exercised mild restraint rather than sticking to a true diet plan, but I still feel like it's a good "new" start. Now I just need to keep it up. Today it's been so far, so good -- I've had Jenny Craig's Sunshine Sandwich for breakfast and a Beef Chow Mein for lunch, and then I had two snacks again, but I'm going to try to hold off until dinner. I have errands to do, so that should keep me occupied.

God, I hope this is the peak . . .

Yes, I've had a terrible diet since I last posted. Life has changed significantly for me in the past few weeks. The day after my last post, I learned that my job was officially ending in two days. I knew my job would likely end soon -- actually, it was supposed to end back in August, but circumstances allowed me to hang on for an extra month. But then circumstances changed, and I couldn't postpone the inevitable. I consciously used the end of my job to eat and drink over the next few days, completely wrecking my latest surge of progress.

Since the end of my job I've been in a holding pattern. I left the job knowing I had a strong chance at getting one particular new job, then I got a better offer a few days later from the same organization. I'm really excited about the opportunity, but confirmation of that job appears to be stuck in some red tape. So I'm waiting . . . I meant to use my free time to get more exercise in. Some days are more successful than others, however.

I took time to visit and babysit my sister's kids last week, and did really well in part because my mom was there to "support" me (i.e., be there as my "monitor" me even though she doesn't realize that's how I use her in such circumstances). But I eliminated the progress I made this past weekend -- I actually surprised myself this morning with how much weight I had gained in just a couple of days. I'm at a new peak. I will say that I did have a nightshirt on, but I don't think it weighed that much, so I'm using today's weight as my new peak. Here's the scary number:

202.6 lbs.

AAAACCCKKKK!!!!

I've got to do something. I DID walk 30 minutes today. But I did NOT eat well. I had way too many calories. Don't know how many, but it was a lot of pasta, so I know it was too much. Now I feel too full and never want to eat again. Wish that feeling could last longer than overnight . . .

Five weeks later . . . still same weight

Well. After a few pounds down I'm back up to 198.4 . . . this morning. I skipped the JC weigh-in this afternoon because I didn't want to see me go above 200 in an afternoon weigh-in.

Tonight I watched the season premiere of "The Biggest Loser" -- while eating a Papa John's Chicken Bacon Ranch pizza. It was "bleah" -- too much bacon, and it wasn't good crispy bacon -- it was not-cripsy-enough bacon. (Maybe I should change the focus of the blog to critiques of the food I eat on my binges. It would be more interesting than this in that quirky-blog way. But it would more detrimental to my health. So, no.) And, yes, I know how screwed-up that sounds.

But, in a strange way, I was inspired by The Biggest Loser. Now if I could just find a way to work out 24 hours a day at a beautiful ranch. . . . Actually, one of my criticisms of tonight's show is that it did not detail how long each person does work out a day. It must be a lot -- the women, who were well over 200 pounds, lost 11 to 20 pounds each. The trainer says their diet, however, is 1200-1500 calories a day -- a standard weight-loss range used by Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers. But it is a no-white-carbs or sweets diet, which I know can jump-start weight loss. Maybe the website has more answers . . .

Meanwhile, I'm still trying to figure out what I can do to jump-start my own weight loss. I need to focus on exercise, I think. Sigh.

A little better today

I was down a little bit today, to 198.4 on the bathroom scale. But I did not eat well this evening. Hunger and then a little bit of wine got the best of me. (I hit the McDonald's drive-thru and a bag of pita chips, respectively. The pita chips, though, are fabulous. The McDonald's -- not so much.)

Today's weight/net loss or gain: 198.4 / -0.4 lbs.

Real numbers (sigh)

When I wrote last night I was wondering whether to give you my all-time high or just what I weighed this morning. Turns out, those numbers are one and the same. (Yikes!) :

Today's weight & high (on bathroom scale): 198.8 lbs.

Ugh. My high on Jenny Craig scales is 198.1 as of July 16 2005. I may have been over 200 a couple of years ago fully clothed at the doctor's office or at a short-lived return to Weight Watchers, but I'm not sure. So let's go with 198.8. Ick.

(Quick recap of recent weight loss battle: I started JC in March 2004 at 193.5. I lost about 23 pounds over the next six months, then put it all back on. I still go to JC and weigh-in and buy some of the food, but I haven't really followed the plan. So don't use my last few months as a example of the effectiveness of the Jenny Craig plan. You really can lose weight on it. I'm just trying to get motivated again.)

I did not get off to an auspicious start "doing something" about this weight today. I ate a JC on-the-go breakfast, but ate a lot of Chex Mix at work (we had some in a ziploc container), at first to settle my stomach (which was upset from the junk food I ate this past weekend), but then just for the salt. A security officer in the building gave us all a Snickers bar for reasons I don't know, and that tasted good. Then I got a Twister and wedges from KFC on the way home. Then Cheese Bites (think cut-up cheese straws).

Wow, they're right -- it does help to keep track of this stuff in writing. And I didn't mention the wine and beer I had with a friend this evening. Good grief.

Okay, I'm tired -- let's see how I do tomorrow. Oh, and my stomach feels acidic again.

I have got to do something . . .

Simply put, I did not feel good today. I felt out of shape. More out of shape, if there is such a thing, than I have felt in a long time. I went to an outdoor family reunion. It was quite hot outside, not as hot as it was earlier in the week, but hot and humid enough to drag me down. I had little energy. I wasn't "tired," per se, but I just didn't want to move much. I did move, and it does not cause me any pain to move, but moving just seemed to take more effort than I'm used to exerting. Ditto for standing. I did not want to stand, though it did not hurt to do so.

I did not like how I felt. I'm sure the heat has something to do with it. Maybe I was a little dehydrated. But I suspect my high weight does, too. I've got to do something.

That obviously involves exercise and diet. But I'm just going to have to be honest about everything, too. When I've posted to this previously, I have never revealed what my weight actually is -- I've only stated what my net loss was. Maybe it's better if I just shock everyone with the real numbers.

I was too scared to weigh this morning. But tomorrow I'll post the real numbers.

Here We Go Again

It's time to panic. I'm almost back to my high. I've gone nuts the past couple of months. Even today, after weighing, I went nuts. I had four (4!) sausage burritos from McDonalds. I have a 30-mile, 35 minute morning drive. I stopped at the McDonalds near my house first and got two. They tasted so good to me (they were warm) that when I got to Frankfort, I stopped at the McDonalds there and got two more. And they were good, too. But that's just nuts.

I "compensated" at lunch. My co-workers wanted to go out, and I wanted to go, too. We went to a local deli -- I had half a chicken salad sandwich, a small salad, and some frest fruit. Any other day that would have been great. But I really had no business eating lunch so soon after having four breakfast burritos.

I felt full the rest of the afternoon. I thought that I'd make it home and maybe have a JC dinner or something. But as I left, I wanted to eat again. I stopped at the KFC and got a twister. Another terrible choice. But I've been craving the mayo-based sauce KFC uses on its sandwiches. It tasted good again tonight, but I felt pathetic by the time I got home.

My binge impulse almost went off again before I got there, but I went straight home anyway. I felt very down and dowdy when I first got home. I was trying to figure out why I wanted to binge. I think it's somewhat related to "control" and "indulgence." But that's very misdirected -- because I think I'm irked at myself for not taking control of a couple of personal and work issues that I really should be able to take control of. At work, I'm struggling to finish a particular project, and though it's really time to stop and move on, I'm not doing that. In the personal realm, I think I'm mad at myself for not standing up for what I really want in one of my personal relationships with a friend. So I guess I've been punishing myself by binging.

Once home, I straightened the house a bit, sorted through recyclables (it's pick-up day tomorrow). Then I remembered that I had to make a hotel reservation for an upcoming trip, and the time I spent on the computer doing that finally got my mind off food and my "I'm pathetic" thoughts. After that I grabbed the iPod and took a 30-minute walk around the neighborhood. Just before I left, I got a call from a special someone, and that put me a great mood for the walk.

Love having the iPod, because tonight I didn't stick with one playlist -- I jumped around from song to song. I didn't do hard-core dance, tonight, but a mixture of rock and smooth grooves. Felt much better by the time I got back. And I've had nothing to eat the rest of the evening. We'll see how it goes.

Starting Over?

I've ignored this blog for a loooonnnnngggg time. I guess I stopped about the time I was buying my new home. I didn't start ignoring the diet until later in 2004. And the past two months I've really jumped back up the scale.

So today (March 14th) is my 33rd birthday. It has also been about a year since I started recording my weight and since I started going to Jenny Craig. A whole year -- but now I have less than ten pounds to show for it. My jump the past few weeks has really erased much of the progress I made. If you scan below, you'll see that I once was at 20+ pounds weight loss. Ugh.

I've still been going to Jenny Craig -- I just haven't been following the plan. For the past few weeks I've gone in saying that I need to recommit myself to the plan, but I haven't done it. Tonight, I got a new counselor -- my old one has left to move on to another career. My new counselor had some good advice with my gain this week: get over it. It's done. Now move on.

So let's see if I can move on. I'm not off to the best start. For the past few days I've craved a birthday cookie -- you know, the large pan cookie with decorative icing. Tonight I bought myself one at Kroger. It didn't say Happy Birthday -- it was decorated for a Kentucky basketball game ("Cats #1" in blue & white icing) . I'm a big UK fan, so I decided that was good enough for the birthday. (smile) I also went nuts and bought two pints of Ben & Jerry's (2 for $5), but I have not eaten them -- yet. I've eaten a good chunk, but less than half, of the cookie. It tasted better than I expected it to taste given that it'd been sitting at Kroger for a day or more. I know this sounds riduculous but I'm kind of proud of myself for not eating the whole thing in one night -- some days I probably could have done that, even though it would certainly make me sick.

OK, so my goals this week are to journal what I eat. I haven't decided whether to do it all here or on my own private list. We'll see. I'm also going to drink lots of water and exercise 4 days this week for at least thirty minutes a day.

Here are numbers:
Bathroom Scale: -11.2 pounds since 3/8/2004 (OK, so I guess it's still more than 10 pounds -- the blog has justified its existence.)
JC Scale: -7 pounds since 3/ 22/2004 (ugh -- as I said, this includes a lot of "gainback" weight)