Saturday Update

Weight: 203.4 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: +0.8 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -3.8 lbs.
BMI: 34.4 (Obese)

I barely at anything during the day on Friday – I think I had a bagel, a donut, and three peppermint candies! But then I went to dinner with co-workers at Cheapside and had a Black Bean Burrito. It was delicious, but apparently that and the beer I had that night made me gain Saturday morning.

Friday Update

Weight: 202.6 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: +0.8 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -4.6 lbs.
BMI: 34.4 (Obese)

This is the day everything caught up with me. I had more chips and Chipotle Dip on Thursday night, and I also had three pieces of CPK Thai Pizza (grocery) that EB did not eat. I need to admit that I just can't get that fabulous Chipotle Dip at Liquor Barn anymore.

Thursday Update

Weight: 201.8 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: -0.4 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -5.4 lbs.
BMI: 34.1 (Obese)

Again, I was surprised that I lost weight because I did not think I was very “good” on Wednesday. I did do the JC thing during the day, but I let myself have a few chips and dip that night. I also drank some wine with EB while watching “Project Runway.”

Wednesday Update

Wednesday Update

Weight: 202.2 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: -0.2 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -5.0 lbs.
BMI: 34.2 (Obese)

Tuesday was a very hectic day at work, which I had predicted. I purposely took one of the JC chicken salad kits for this day. I had a vitamin bar for breakfast and the kit for a very late lunch.

The surprise in Wednesday’s weight, however, is that on Tuesday I ate fried food appetizers at a local Frankfort watering hole with co-workers. And I drank beer, though I had lots of water and stopped long before I had to go home. But still was impressed that I held given the fried pickles (which are really good).

Tuesday Update

Weight: 202.4 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: -2.0 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -4.8 lbs.
BMI: 34.2 (Obese)

I cannot really remember what I ate on Monday, but I did stick to a JC food day. I probably had even less than the plan allows.

Monday Update

Weight: 204.4 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: +1.4 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -2.8 lbs.
BMI: 34.5 (Obese)

Yes, this was because I did not adhere to a JC plan last Sunday. I finished off the seafood pasta salad I made and had one piece of a CPK garlic chicken pizza (grocery store bought). (EB had the rest of the pizza.)

Sunday update

Weight: 203.0 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: +0.4 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -4.2 lbs.
BMI: 34.3 (Obese)

I was not surprised to be up today, and I'm glad it's only 0.4 lbs. Yesterday I went to a baby shower for my sister, and of course there was plenty of food, particularly finger food. I had a chicken salad croissant sandwich, about six triangle sandwiches with spinach spread on them, a couple of hot ham & cheese sandwiches, pasta salad, mixed nuts, and cake. I had no breakfast before that, but I don't know if that would've made a difference. Then about 8:30 last night my parents and I had dinner at Ruby Tuesday and I had their Carolina Chicken Salad. After that I went home and had nothing else, so I'm glad about that.

Saturday Update

Weight: 202.6 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: -0.2 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -4.6lbs.
BMI: 34.2 (Obese)

Friday was an interesting day. I was running late for work and did not have time to eat the breakfast I had scheduled (cereal). So I just had the JC vitamin bar on the way. I didn't get to eat my JC chili until later in the afternoon, and then I also had a JC chocolate chip snack bar. Friday night, however, EB invited me out Buffalo Wild Wings, so I went. I had one of my favorites there -- Southwest Queso Chicken Wrap, and I had three light beers. So I was shocked when I got up Saturday morning and saw that I was essentially even at 202.6.

Friday Update

On Thursday I stuck to my plan, but I then made some shrimp pasta salad to use up a store-bought bag of frozen cooked shrimp I've had for over a year and some celery and onion. And I had some to see how it tasted, but not the whole thing, thank goodness. I also had some wine with EB (I had some wine on Wednesday night while watching Project Runway with EB, too.) So I wasn't surprised by my weight Friday morning:

Weight: 202.8 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: +0.2 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -4.4lbs.
BMI: 34.3 (Obese)

Thursday Update

Started my "customized-bastardized" Jenny Craig plan on Wednesday, and it appears to have had an effect:

Weight: 202.6 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: -2.4 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -4.6lbs.
BMI: 34.2 (Obese)

I also probably would've had water loss , anyway. But I was still very pleased.

Wednesday Update

I was right -- I was up:

Weight: 205 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: +0.6 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -2.2lbs.
BMI: 34.6 (Obese)

Still technically sick, but made it to work today. Started the Jenny Craig mash plan today. My only stray so far is after dinner, I finished off the Cheez-It chips. But I think I can get through the rest of the evening on plan.

I actually made a plan today!

Today I stayed home sick again. (I went to the doctor to make sure I didn't have anything more than a cold. He thought I had a sinus infection and gave me an antibiotic.) I actually felt a little better and thus ate more than I did yesterday, or least worse foods -- a personal pan pizza and some Cheez-It chips (the thin chips, not the crackers). Later in the day I was watching Oprah talk to a woman who had gained 100 lbs. after two divorces and somehow during this discussion I decided I needed to keep a food journal again. (Oprah mentioned nothing about food journals or how to diet; she and Dr. Robin were just focusing on how the woman's weight gain stemmed from her hating herself). I hated writing that pizza and Cheez-Its down in the journal, but then that's why the experts tell you to keep a food journal -- to hold yourself accountable.

Later (and before I saw the comment to my "Malaise" post -- I swear), I finally did what I've been meaning to do for weeks: I cataloged what Jenny Craig meals I have left over from months and months ago (by printing the meal lists from the website and then counting what I had) and then used the myJenny menu online planner to create a menu using those foods. I start tomorrow.

My plan is to use up what I have and then decide what to do from there -- either go back to Jenny Craig, switch to Nutrisystem, or something else. We'll see. I've arranged the foods in part based on convenience (breakfasts that I can eat in the car on weekdays; lunches I don't have to refrigerate at work) and the expiration date of the food (oldest ones first). I'm willing to alter the latter if I get bored, however. Again, we'll see.

Tuesday Morning Update

I'm going to try to provide a daily update from here on out (especially since I apparently have one other person besides me who has read this blog -- see the comment to my "Malaise" entry yesterday).

Here's the current stats:

Age: 34
Height: 5' 4.5"
Weight: 204.4 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: -1.6 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -2.8lbs.
BMI: 34.5 (Obese)

I didn't "try" hard yesterday. I had a package of tortellini for lunch with pesto and grated cheese and then low-sodium chicken noodle soup for dinner. I think that was it. Oh, wait I just checked the food journal I restarted this week and saw that I had a Jenny Craig Lemon Cake with a little Redi-whip on top. My beverages were just soft drinks, water, and hot tea (which I usually do not drink but thought it might feel good with my throat and cold).

Congrats to my mom!

As I've written before on this blog, my mother has been working on losing weight since being diagnosed with Type II diabetes in early April. Her first goal was to lose twenty pounds. I'm proud to announce that as of today, she has lost exactly twenty pounds since her diagnosis. Hooray, Mom!

I am fatter than Carnie Wilson

I watched the premiere of "Celebrity Fit Club 4" last night and realized during the show that I am fatter than Carnie Wilson. Now, of course, Carnie is nowhere near what she was before her gastric bypass surgery years ago -- she's starting the show at 188 and they said her low after the surgery was 145. She was over 300 when she had the surgery. But still, given how much Carnie Wilson is associated with overweight people, (I feel for you on that Carnie), the fact that I am only an inch and a half taller than her but nearly 20 pounds heavier than her is a sobering thought.

I'm going to be interested in watching her progress on Celebrity Fit Club -- some celebrities like Tina Yothers were eager to lose more than the show had targeted for them. Carnie acted more like I expected a veteran of failed diets would -- she thought the target was great, but she didn't promise to lose any more than that -- she already knows how hard it's going to be.

Malaise

I've been in a malaise the past few days. Part of cause is my being sick right now (cold symptoms). But the other part of the cause is my weight and how that makes me feel about myself. Two weeks ago I hit a new lifetime high of 207.2 pounds. It came after eating some pizza. I've been up and down since then, but today I'm still 206.0 lbs. Ugh. I just can't seem to get going. But I know I need to do something soon. I'm feeling unhealthy, though I cannot identify any particular ailment. I'm looking pretty bad in some recent pictures. Fewer and fewer of my clothes are fitting me, particularly with the high-90s weather we've had the past two weeks.

But I don't know what to do. I still have a bunch of uneaten Jenny Craig meals and feel like I should eat those according to some plan, but I can't bring myself to do that. A few weeks ago I mulled over the possibility of one of those very-low calorie HMR plans but don't know if I can give up real food for that long, particular the social angle of real food -- I still want to able to go to dinner or lunch with someone. Low-carb diets like South Beach seem to require cooking, which I don't always have time to do.

I just don't know.

What the Heck Am I Doing?

Today my weight is 205.8 pounds on my bathroom scale. This is my lifetime high – I was also at this weight 13 days ago. My BMI is at 34.8, the tip top of “Class I” obese. Yet I’m still sitting here craving food – I am even considering pizza, which is crazy because that would send my weight even higher, yet part of me doesn’t care. And yet I do care. I hated the way I looked in a picture a friend took of me last week. But more importantly, I don’t feel healthy. I don’t feel ill or sick, but I don’t feel healthy. I can tell that I’m out of shape when I walk up stairs, etc.

I’ve been feeling down about my weight this week, and on some days this week I did well eating-wise, but then my eating and drinking this weekend has erased all of that. And then yesterday, my mom send me what she titled a “Mom Worry Email”. As I’ve noted earlier, she has been really working on her weight after being diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. She has done well and I’m proud of her. Understandably, she has been worried about my weight:

I weighed 197 this morning. This is not as low as my brief 196 and a fourth, but it is thirteen and a half pounds less than what I weighed on my birthday ... and about 15 pounds less than I weighed on your birthday. This goes slowly, but it does go, and I think if were more disciplined about exercise (my aching muscles discourage me I have to say) then I think it would go a little faster. What is worrying me most, however, is your weight. I am worried that you may weigh more than you did on your birthday - perhaps even more than I weigh now [I have not told my mom what I weigh, in part because I knew she would panic] - and I am three inches taller and a much bigger framed person overall.

(1) I would urge you to weigh faithfully. If your scales are not accurate - come over and use mine, and no one will look. Or buy your own set of balance beam scales. You have room in one of the baths, I would think. Facing reality is the first step towards making important changes.

(2) Make no mistake - the kind of weight you are now carrying will kill you - or perhaps worse, make your life physically miserable long before it kills you. I am not trying to scare you - well maybe I am - but I did not move into similar numbers until my fifties - and perhaps given my height - I have never been in numbers similar to yours (given your short stature/frame.) Well - I once did hit 221 ... the year after [my grandmother] went "down" and [my dad] was so ill and you divorced and the terrorists attacked. I think that was stress weight - and I fairly quickly came back down to the 210 - 212 range. Still, keep in mind that I am 5'7" tall and have huge feet and hands. I'm a big woman. This is way too much weight for me, but it is not the same ratio as for you at 5'4". The point though is this - As the doctor in choir said to his daughter - you are too young to carry this much weight.

(3) With things a little more slack at work, perhaps now is the time to seriously think about what you can do. I continue to worry that there is some physiological reason you gain so rapidly. Have you considered consulting an endocrinologist? There is little that you have not tried - and I heard the discouragement in your voice when you rattled off the different diets and different years to [my sister] the other night. You got a bum deal in the weight dept. of life (but an overdose of brains and personality and overall common sense so I guess one has to take what one is given and make the best of it.)

Personally I think you will have to do something different - something more "drastic." - to lose weight again, though perhaps I am wrong. You have succeeded with Jenny Craig and regular exercise in the past and might be able to do so again. I have wondered about HMR - Dr. Anderson's deal at UK. It would be expensive, but it might give you an "in" with their endocrinology department, and also give you the kind of one on one professional support you are going to need to get this weight off. From what I read online, they emphasize long term counseling. I possibly could do this with you depending on the cost - and depending on their advice for diabetics. I really need to get down to about 160 - 165 for health reasons.

I have also wondered about psychological counseling - if you have issues with overeating that I am unaware of. I do not see you eat enough - you eat wisely when we are together - to gain the way you do, but when I suggest a physical problem re: weight gain, you seem to indicate that you think you know why you are gaining -= that you are indeed overeating. Only you can answer that question. But you should not keep gaining weight on grilled salmon salads for dinner and turkey chef salads at lunch, etc. So be honest with yourself about what you are eating/drinking/doing.

(4) Keep in mind that my concern is that you reach a healthy weight. I am not bugging you about being model thin - a size 4 or whatever. This is not about looks - though you are a beautiful woman, your beauty a natural asset that could be helpful to you professionally, socially and emotionally - but about good health and living out your natural lifetime. It would be so much easier/better to discipline yourself now than to wait until you have a stroke or heart attack or develop diabetes or serious muscular skeletal issues. Then - there can never be a treat - a lapse - a vacation - or a sense of physical well-being.

(5) Of course, I worry that alcohol consumption may play a role in your weight issues. Only you know if that is true. Alcohol abuse is - well, abuse - and just as silly and unnecessary as any other drug abuse. It is not cool or smart and will not make you more popular. Right now, it is the "new" smoking ... but the smokers of my generation mostly ended up with cancer. So how cool is cancer? Hard to be popular when you're dead. Excessive, ongoing drinking will lead to both emotional and physical problems for your generation - for those not wise enough to recognize the risks. It seems less innocuous than illegal drugs - and I guess maybe it is - but it is NOT innocuous. I'm not talking about the occasional glass of wine or drink - but the day after day, week after week, of steady drinking that - if one is honest - is more than the standard definition of "a serving." Granted - others may be able to drink like fish and gain no weight - or even seem to avoid an addiction problem. But women, I've read over and over, are more impacted physically by alcohol than men - it causes more damage to their liver and increases their risk of breast cancer a lot - and are also more likely to get addicted. ... It is good that you do not drink alone. But if you abuse alcohol in groups - you are still abusing - drinking too much.

Well, I just love you so much. And I worry. I worry about you. Because I love you so much. Mom

I thought about editing some of this, but then I thought that would be dishonest. Mom touches on a number of themes that have recurred throughout my battles with my weight: the fact that I’ve tried a number of different diet programs, my frustration when I regain the weight, and my tendency to do most of my overeating in private. The latter has made my mom wonder if I have a physical ailment, but I’m not really sure that I do – my thyroid has been tested during weight gain before, and that’s normal.

As for the alcohol, she is right that the drinking I do does not aid my weight loss. I’ve noticed in particular lately that beer is worse for my weight than wine, even when I drink light beer. However, if I have too much wine, I will start eating to sober myself up.

Do I abuse alcohol? I have never thought so, but I should examine it. I do my drinking is social situations, which used to be only on weekends, but I do more drink more at social occasions during the week now. So I don’t know. . . I should say, however, that my mom does not drink at all, and wish I wouldn’t drink at all, either.

So where to go from here? I’ve resisted doing something as drastic as a medically supervised liquid diet, but going back to Jenny Craig food fills me dread – I don’t mean to insult the food itself – most of it is pretty good, but I burned out on it and have not gotten over it. Yet, I don’t have much time to cook. I don’t know what I can do, but I’ve got to find something.

The stakes are now higher

Hi, y'all. It's been two months since I last wrote. I have not made a lot of progress. I hit a new high on April 3rd -- 205.4 lbs. But on April 25th I hit a low for 2006 of 198.0 lbs. - and that was after returning home from a friend's wedding weekend. Today, however, I'm back up to 201.6 lbs. This weekend I've been engaged in a lot of self-reflection to figure out the best way for me to lose weight.

I have a few things driving this self-reflection:
-- seeing recent pictures of me in which my face looks pretty fat;
-- seeing a picture of me thirty pounds thinner from December 2004 in which my face looks fabulous;
-- lately my feet seem to ache more after wearing high heels than I'm used to (this may not be entirely related to my weight, but I'm sure losing weight would help -- I do not want to give up my heels);
-- noticing lately how many men prefer talking to my thin coworkers/friends than me when we are out and about; and
-- some frustration with my lovelife.

But the most important factor driving me right now is this: Last month my mother, who only weighs about ten more pounds than I do, was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. We've known intellectually that this could happen, but were both shocked when it actually did.

Mom immediately got on track with a diet plan for Type 2 diabetes and walking for daily exercise. She's been struggling a little with the walking, but she has lost almost ten pounds, and her blood sugar is down from 138 to 109.

In fact, she might weigh a smidgen less than I do -- the first time that has ever happened in my life. I haven't told her that, though, because she is worried enough about my weight as it is. But now she can nag me about without feeling guilty or me getting irked at her.

I should be panicked and on a strict diet. But I'm not. I still haven't really gotten my arms around it yet.

Now I'm depressed. I'll write more later (hopefully). In the meantime, here are the numbers:

Weight: 201.6 lbs
BMI: 34.1 (Obese)
Total loss since 4/3/06 peak: -3.8 lbs.

Happy Birthday to me.

I am 34 years old today. I began my 35th year on earth on the right foot this morning -- I was down 2.2 lbs. I don't know what the scale will look like tomorrow, however -- it's been a very food-filled birthday. I started the day by eating some of the giant cookie my friend EB got me this weekend -- I have not yet eaten my name, however, because I like the way it looks. Then, at work, my secretary at work surprised me with a potluck luncheon -- her husband cooked some ham, and other coworkers brought in a lot of good food. I was touched by the effort she and everyone else to -- I'm not used to having people other than my parents make such a fuss over me.

I didn't really need any more food, but my parents and I had already planned a dinner at the local Indian restaurant, which I had really been looking forward to. We had a really nice time, and my lamb rogan josh was excellent.

I had a great birthday overall -- I had fun driving my car to and from work -- I love the way it rides so smoothly. I received email greetings and phone calls from close friends and family. And it was sunny -- not necessarily warm, but sunny. Now I'm tired and need to go to bed. It's been a good day indeed, and not because it was fattening.

Birthday Eve -- Back Again

Hello -- I'm back after a long absence. My computer hard drive crashed in mid-January -- I got the computer back up and running in a couple of days, but I never got back to this blog. I lost a few days of weigh-ins with the crash, but I've been faithfully weighing every day. Unfortunately, I haven't made a lot of progress overall -- today, on the eve of my 34th birthday, I've matched my lifetime high (set back in mid-January) of 205.2 pounds. Today's weight was a result of a big one-day jump that I think resulted in part from a lot of salt I had yesterday. But I've only dipped below 200 a few times in the past two months. I've exercised a little, but not enough to make a difference.

Don't worry, though, I'm not going to let the weight put a damper on my birthday -- I started celebrating early this weekend by buying a new car! I got a nice car I've had my eye on since last fall, but I was waiting for a red one to come in. Even after I saw the red one appear on the lot last month, I waited a couple of weeks before I test drove. Then I waited two more weeks before I bought it. Tomorrow, my birthday, I get to drive it to work for the first time -- I'm not interested in showing it off, I just want to enjoy the car on my forty mile commute.

Maybe I can also let my excitement over the car help me get to the gym more often. I would like to walk more often. After my computer crashed I had to rebuild my iPod, but now it's better than before, so I should have everything I need to walk, whether it be at the gym or outside as it gets warmer.

Meanwhile, I will probably have more food than I need tomorrow, but after that, I've got to be more methodical about my diet. I'm going to be 34 tomorrow, and I have no more time to spend being fat -- I've got to get serious about my health, and my personal appearance.

Today's numbers:

Age: 33 years and 364 days.
Weight: 205.2 lbs. (Equals Lifetime High)
BMI: 34.7 (Obese)