Here We Go Again

It's time to panic. I'm almost back to my high. I've gone nuts the past couple of months. Even today, after weighing, I went nuts. I had four (4!) sausage burritos from McDonalds. I have a 30-mile, 35 minute morning drive. I stopped at the McDonalds near my house first and got two. They tasted so good to me (they were warm) that when I got to Frankfort, I stopped at the McDonalds there and got two more. And they were good, too. But that's just nuts.

I "compensated" at lunch. My co-workers wanted to go out, and I wanted to go, too. We went to a local deli -- I had half a chicken salad sandwich, a small salad, and some frest fruit. Any other day that would have been great. But I really had no business eating lunch so soon after having four breakfast burritos.

I felt full the rest of the afternoon. I thought that I'd make it home and maybe have a JC dinner or something. But as I left, I wanted to eat again. I stopped at the KFC and got a twister. Another terrible choice. But I've been craving the mayo-based sauce KFC uses on its sandwiches. It tasted good again tonight, but I felt pathetic by the time I got home.

My binge impulse almost went off again before I got there, but I went straight home anyway. I felt very down and dowdy when I first got home. I was trying to figure out why I wanted to binge. I think it's somewhat related to "control" and "indulgence." But that's very misdirected -- because I think I'm irked at myself for not taking control of a couple of personal and work issues that I really should be able to take control of. At work, I'm struggling to finish a particular project, and though it's really time to stop and move on, I'm not doing that. In the personal realm, I think I'm mad at myself for not standing up for what I really want in one of my personal relationships with a friend. So I guess I've been punishing myself by binging.

Once home, I straightened the house a bit, sorted through recyclables (it's pick-up day tomorrow). Then I remembered that I had to make a hotel reservation for an upcoming trip, and the time I spent on the computer doing that finally got my mind off food and my "I'm pathetic" thoughts. After that I grabbed the iPod and took a 30-minute walk around the neighborhood. Just before I left, I got a call from a special someone, and that put me a great mood for the walk.

Love having the iPod, because tonight I didn't stick with one playlist -- I jumped around from song to song. I didn't do hard-core dance, tonight, but a mixture of rock and smooth grooves. Felt much better by the time I got back. And I've had nothing to eat the rest of the evening. We'll see how it goes.

Starting Over?

I've ignored this blog for a loooonnnnngggg time. I guess I stopped about the time I was buying my new home. I didn't start ignoring the diet until later in 2004. And the past two months I've really jumped back up the scale.

So today (March 14th) is my 33rd birthday. It has also been about a year since I started recording my weight and since I started going to Jenny Craig. A whole year -- but now I have less than ten pounds to show for it. My jump the past few weeks has really erased much of the progress I made. If you scan below, you'll see that I once was at 20+ pounds weight loss. Ugh.

I've still been going to Jenny Craig -- I just haven't been following the plan. For the past few weeks I've gone in saying that I need to recommit myself to the plan, but I haven't done it. Tonight, I got a new counselor -- my old one has left to move on to another career. My new counselor had some good advice with my gain this week: get over it. It's done. Now move on.

So let's see if I can move on. I'm not off to the best start. For the past few days I've craved a birthday cookie -- you know, the large pan cookie with decorative icing. Tonight I bought myself one at Kroger. It didn't say Happy Birthday -- it was decorated for a Kentucky basketball game ("Cats #1" in blue & white icing) . I'm a big UK fan, so I decided that was good enough for the birthday. (smile) I also went nuts and bought two pints of Ben & Jerry's (2 for $5), but I have not eaten them -- yet. I've eaten a good chunk, but less than half, of the cookie. It tasted better than I expected it to taste given that it'd been sitting at Kroger for a day or more. I know this sounds riduculous but I'm kind of proud of myself for not eating the whole thing in one night -- some days I probably could have done that, even though it would certainly make me sick.

OK, so my goals this week are to journal what I eat. I haven't decided whether to do it all here or on my own private list. We'll see. I'm also going to drink lots of water and exercise 4 days this week for at least thirty minutes a day.

Here are numbers:
Bathroom Scale: -11.2 pounds since 3/8/2004 (OK, so I guess it's still more than 10 pounds -- the blog has justified its existence.)
JC Scale: -7 pounds since 3/ 22/2004 (ugh -- as I said, this includes a lot of "gainback" weight)

Struggling. . .

I'm struggling this week. I was up a pound at Jenny Craig on Monday after a week of eating a lot. I did Indian last Thursday, I did more cosmopolitans on Friday (along with a little cake), I did birthday cake on Saturday. I did store-bought white cheddar cheese popcorn for three days last week. I did cashew nuts a lot last week. I never felt like I binged, but I'm sure it all added up.

So now I'm been better on the food. I had ice cream after my weigh-in, and I ate some nuts yesterday with lunch. I have, however, been eating more carrots to stave off the starvation that was driving me toward the nuts. But tonight I still want to eat. I've eaten crackers. I've had an extra Jenny Craig dessert with whipped cream. And yet I'm still wanting to eat. I think my excesses last week have whetted my appetite.

I better go ride the bike now . . .

I have returned!

Wow! I didn't know it had been so long since I last wrote. It's been so long I think Blogger.com has changed the posting interface -- could I always change the date and time below the post? I don't remember being able to.

Well, I don't think that anyone but me has been reading my blog, but in case someone has and was wondering where I've been, my answer . . . nowhere really. I'm not sure why I stopped writing for so long. Did I go off the diet? No. I'm still going to Jenny Craig and eating the tasty food they sell, and I've continued to lose weight. I FINALLY got past the twenty-pound mark on the JC scale, but I did take longer to get there than I wanted. I hovered around that mark for about three weeks. Maybe that's why I didn't write.

I've lost a little more since then, but I'm still bouncing up and down the scale a bit. I did finally feel some of the boredom with the food. I have eaten out more freely. I probably have drunk more freely, too. (I went to two wine tasting parties in one weekend a couple of weeks ago!) Part of that is summertime socializing, but I think some of it is also boredom with the diet.

I also think my struggle to stay strictly to the meal plan is due in part to a "resting on my laurels" mentality, bolstered by the compliments I've been getting lately from friends, my co-workers, my family, even my JC counselor herself -- she's been gone on a European trip the past month, during which time I really did drop quite a few pounds. So she had the benefit of seeing me after not having seen me in a while.

As for exercise, I have good weeks and bad weeks. I got a smaller-sized DVD player for my bedroom TV, which is where my exercise bike is, and so now I have a choice between watching what's on TV right then or DVDs. I've been watching a lot of Sex and the City, both on TBS and on DVD (I've been comparing the episode edits), but that may have pushed to drinking a couple of cosmopolitans when I shouldn't have. ;-) Last week, for whatever reason, I didn't do much exercise. Exercise just is and always will be a challenge for me.

Well, I better go now. Here are my updated figures:

Weight Loss/Gain at JC for the Week (8/2/04) : -0.9 pounds
Total Loss at JC (since 3/22/04): -22.4 pounds
Total Loss on Bathroom Scale (since 3/8/04): -25.4 pounds

Good news!

I lost 1.5 pounds at Jenny Craig tonight! I was surprised it was that much.

My bathroom scale and the scale at Jenny Craig have been closer than usual lately. This week there is only a one pound difference, but in prior weeks it's been as much as three pounds.

Though I probably shouldn't have, I did a junk food splurge tonight. This week it wasn't ice cream -- it was Rollitos. And you know? Not worth it. Ice cream is better. I was not in the mood for ice cream tonight -- I should have left it at that.

My goals this week are: (1) to not slide back on exercise. I especially want to focus on the exercise bike. (2) watch what I eat while attending a professional conference this week -- I think that will be okay since it is in town.

Weekly summary:

Weight loss at JC (6/21/04): -1.5 pounds
Total loss at JC (since 3/22/04): -18.1 pounds
Total loss on bathroom scale (since 3/8.04): -20.2 pounds

Moment of truth . . .

That Skyline chili made me jump yesterday a whole 1.4 pounds on the bathroom scale! But I was better yesterday and came back down a pound. I am going into my weigh-in today only 0.6 pounds lower on the bathroom scale than I was last week. So we'll see. Whatever happens, I need to exercise more this week.

Week of successes!

After being discouraged the first part of last week, I got my act together and got back to "work." I swore off the big tub of deluxe nut mix at the office. I not only made my fitness commitment for the week (4 days a week, 30 minutes a day) -- I went beyond it. I exercised five days for 30 minutes or more (usually more) and then even did 15 minutes on a sixth day. I also limited my alcohol intake on the weekend.

As a result, I started setting new lows on my bathroom scale again. (That Ben and Jerry's I ate the night I took the jump at JC did show up on the scale the next couple of days.) I walked into JC this past Monday expecting to be down two pounds, maybe. I was down four whole pounds! My counselor and I almost squealed with excitement (but not quite). I was kind of shocked.

The next big success occurred this past Thursday. I had been inching toward a significant 20-pound mark on the bathroom scale -- 20 pounds since my peak weight of the year on March 8, 2004. On Wednesday morning I was a mere 0.2 pounds from that mark. On Thursday morning I blew right past it, as I was down a whole 0.8 pounds!

I'm now fluctuating around the mark I set Thursday morning. And I feel that I'm struggling a bit. I'm getting hungry more often this week -- at work I used microwave popcorn to satisfy it, though I know that that is dangerous. This afternoon I was out and about running errands, got hungry, didn't really want to drive all the way back to my house to eat a Mesquite Chicken dinner (not one of my favorites), and got struck with a craving for Skyline Chili. Actually, I had dueling cravings for Skyline, Doritos "Rollitos" and ice cream, but thought the Skyline would be the least of those three evils because it would probably satisfy me more than the others. It did, and I felt like I overate, but then I felt hungry again only three-and-a-half hours later. That needs to be a lesson to remember in the future, I think.

I also feel that I'm slacking on exercise, but I have already exercised 3 days this week for a full 30 min or more, plus I walked for about a total of 20 min with Mom on Thursday evening. So maybe I'm not as bad off as I think.

Summary:

Weight loss at JC (6/14/04): -4 pounds
Total loss at JC: -16.6 pounds
Total loss on bathroom scale since 3/8/04 (as of 6/19/04): -20.6 pounds

Discouraged, but slowly getting over it

I had a weigh-in at JC today and was up one pound. I did not expect that -- I had hoped to be down a half-pound because that would be consistent with my bathroom scale. I did, however, get a bit of good news -- I have lost a half-inch each in my bust, waist, hips and thighs. Still, the pound jump upset me. It could have been that I drank a lot of water right before I weighed this evening, but I also realize that I have been eating a lot of mixed nuts at work -- probably too many. And I had alcohol over the weekend, but I'm not sure that would have impacted me that much.

While I'm trying to take this as yet another wake-up call, I was rather discouraged when I left the JC center. I also did not want to discuss it with my mother, because I knew if I talked to her she would give a "pep talk" that would turn more into "do you know what you are doing?", which I hear as "do you know what you are doing wrong?" Given that I had already discussed what I might be doing right or wrong with my JC counselor, I did not want to rehash it. This is why I've been reluctant in weeks past to even report to her on my success, because I knew I'd only raise expectations.

So I still haven't talked to my mother, though my dad called me and I told him to "break the news" of my gain to Mom. Dad didn't quite get my "break the news" joke. He must have talked to Mom, because I haven't heard from her. Contrary to the impression the above rant may have left, I think she's giving me space.

After the past few hours, I feel better. I did one "right" thing and one "wrong" thing. My wrong thing was eating some Ben & Jerry's Oatmeal Chocolate Chunk. I had been wanting that all day, though I had no idea I'd gain at Jenny Craig. I guess the only consolation is that in the past I would have binged on some kind of cracker snack food and maybe even another pint of ice cream.

The "right" thing I did, however, (besides resisting the urge to jump back in my car and get more junk food) is ride my exercise bike for 30 min. I know that doesn't counter the ice cream, but it doesn't hurt. And, of course, it probably made me feel better tonight than eating the ice cream did. But, for once, the ice cream actually did satisfy my craving.

Weekly update -- Up one pound
Total weight loss at JC: -12.6

What this blog will be about

Right now I intend to focus this blog primarily on my current quest to lose weight. I am not, however, intending to use this simply as a log of what I eat each day and how long I exercised each day. I've already been doing that on paper and my Excel spreadsheet. Besides, on the Jenny Craig program, what I eat each day would start seeming repetitive after about three weeks. So I probably won't talk about what I eat each day unless I had to deal with a specific challenge like eating out. I'm more likely to log my exercise as a boost to my self-esteem, but I may not log in every day.

I also am not interested in touting the benefits of one type of diet over another, i.e., lowfat vs. low-carb, though I might share why I believe the current diet I'm on works for me.

My prime interest in keeping the blog, however, is to share some of my emotions along the "journey back down the scale." And in doing so I may discuss issues that have previously been roadblocks to maintaining a healthy weight, such as my methods of self-sabotage and the reasons I so sabotage myself.

And I will, of course, try to give periodic updates of my progress down the scale, and even some of the bumps.

The First Post, But Not the First Day

Welcome to the first post of my first blog! I've been reading other people's blogs along with articles about the "blog phenomenon" for some time now, and while I've wondered for a while if I would enjoy doing one myself, I never really felt the urge to keep one until a couple of days ago.

While most of the weight loss blogs I have seen begin with a dieter's first day, I actually renewed my battle with my weight in March. Last year I did a low-carb diet, but I "fell off the wagon" in February and started gaining again. On March 8th I hit my peak for 2004 on my bathroom scale -- it may or may not be my lifetime peak because I went a long time last year without writing my weight down, but it's at least very close to a lifetime peak. While I don't want to discuss the actual numbers, I will say that most health professionals would consider me at least forty pounds overweight. Okay, okay, more like fifty pounds. (Oooh, it hurts to say that.) Seeing that peak -- combined with the gradual realization that, yes, I was really out of shape and this would eventually affect my long-term health -- scared me into keeping track of my weight on an Excel spreadsheet. For me, that was a big step -- for one thing, the computer is on the opposite end of my home from where my bathroom scale is. Therefore, I actually must make an EFFORT to record the weight in the computer. (haha)

I cut back a little and immediately came back down from that peak. My Excel spreadsheet shows that I lost about 4 pounds in two weeks. However, I had no real plan -- I was just not binge-eating like I had right before that peak. I knew it wouldn't last if I didn't have some sort of plan. I kept thinking to myself that I'd get back on a low-carb plan, maybe try South Beach. But when I browsed through the book and realized the amount of meal-planning and cooking it required, I just didn't have the energy. I have an hour-plus commute and usually don't feel like cooking when I get home. Heck, I barely have energy to go to the grocery salad bar.

So I went back to Jenny Craig. (Auto-disclaimer: "Jenny Craig" is trademarked by somebody and I'm sure that somebody would want me to say that it has nothing to do with this blog and in no way endorses anything I say in here. The lawyer in me will go away now.) I used Jenny Craig the last time I really lost a lot of weight -- seven years ago during my last year of law school. (Of course, if I weighed now what I started the JC program at back then, I'd be thrilled.) I didn't think I'd go back to it because it was too inflexible, but I realized that inflexible was exactly what I needed right now. Don't just tell me what to eat, hand it to me!

Seven years ago I had bought the "platinum-whatever" level membership, so I knew I could go back without paying for anything other than the food (expensive enough, but I'd would've spent that money on junk food otherwise). So on March 22, I bit the bullet, called, made an appointment for later that night, before I lost my nerve. And I went to the appointment. And I was kind of excited to learn that you still get that French Toast with Fruit Cup.

After 10 weeks, I have lost 13.6 pounds on the Jenny Craig scales. I have lost a total of 19 pounds on my bathroom scale since March 8. I broke through a plateau this week, so I'm feeling pretty good about my successful journey thus far. As I was looking at various weight loss websites, I suddenly realized that keeping this blog might help keep me motivated, because I know there will be other plateaus.

And so it begins. . .