What's brought me to the verge of starting a new plan

Website changes complete -- for now.

Okay, so my weight and eating habits have been awful the past two months. As I noted yesterday, I hit a new lifetime peak -- 207.8 pounds on September 25, 2006. I haven't exercised much and have begun to physically feel "not right" again -- I've finally noticed my hard breathing after minor exertions of energy. My scariest moment thus far was this past Monday -- because the elevators were momentarily down at my office building, I climbed about six and a half flights of stairs from the lobby to my office floor. I was able to do it relatively quickly (I was trying to get to a meeting on time), but I was quite winded, which I expected. What I did not expect, however, was feeling like my legs were going to give way with more than a flight to go. That really scared me.

Also that same day, I looked in the mirror at work and thought my face looked fat. Now, I've seen photographs of me and my face and knew I probably looked fat to most people, but I hadn't seen it as much when I looked at myself in the mirror -- I guess I kind of know how to hold my head when looking in the mirror to make it look the most flattering. (I think we all kind of do that -- that's why most of us can be shocked by how we look in a photograph.) Well, that day, even I thought my face looked fat.

Before that, however, I'd already become uncomfortable with my appearance in recent social situations. A couple of weeks ago I went to a nice get-together of professional women in my field, and I envied how good some of them looked. I also was warm and perspiring and was not wearing my best work outfit and felt even more self-conscious. I wanted to be able to wear some of the cute business suits the other women were wearing.

I suppose one of the reasons I've been so reckless with my eating and fitness habits the past few weeks is the stress over big changes at work. My boss left at the end of September, and we worked a few late evenings trying to wrap up a lot of things before she left. Then we had to get adjusted to the new boss who came in from outside our workplace -- none of us were sure what changes the new boss wanted to make, if any. I knew I could be let go at any time if she wanted to -- that is her perogative. At the same time, at least three people I worked with closely announced they were leaving for great career opportunities elsewhere. While I have had more hectic, stressful moments at my job, I now realize that this undercurrent of uncertainty over the past few weeks has taken its toll on me physically and emotionally.

The changes at work have started to settle down and I'm feeling more and more comfortable with my new boss. However, these recent changes have reminded me that my job is not a long-term one and that I have to look forward to what I'm going to do next. And part of that is reining my weight in, because I realize that being fat does impact what others think about you, at least when they first meet you.

So I started exploring options for getting this weight under control -- I'll talk more about that in the next post.

Changes coming . . .

Given that I haven't published for two months, you will not be surprised to learn that I have not been very successful on the weight loss front. In fact, it's been a near-disaster as I briefly hit another lifetime high (I'm under it right now). But I have some major changes planned -- and I'm glad to see that Blogger has upgraded its services just in time to coincide with my planned "upgrades." I'm going to play with the new options for a little bit before I discuss my diet plans further, but I promise I'll be back soon!

Sunday Update

Weight: 205.0 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: +1.6 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -2.2 lbs.
BMI: 34.6 (Obese)

Ugh. I did have a terrible day yesterday, though. I ate Cheez-It chips in the morning. Then I was in Georgetown in early afternoon and ordered a BK Double Stacker with fries. The fries were terrible, and the stacker came with bacon -- I pulled some of it off. Then at night I ate "Buffalitos" at BW3s.

Today I've been okay -- JC cereal for breakfast and JC pizza for lunch, and a 100 calorie Pringles thing. But I'm hungry right now and I'm really fighting the temptation to overeat.

Saturday Update

Weight: 203.4 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: +0.8 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -3.8 lbs.
BMI: 34.4 (Obese)

I barely at anything during the day on Friday – I think I had a bagel, a donut, and three peppermint candies! But then I went to dinner with co-workers at Cheapside and had a Black Bean Burrito. It was delicious, but apparently that and the beer I had that night made me gain Saturday morning.

Friday Update

Weight: 202.6 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: +0.8 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -4.6 lbs.
BMI: 34.4 (Obese)

This is the day everything caught up with me. I had more chips and Chipotle Dip on Thursday night, and I also had three pieces of CPK Thai Pizza (grocery) that EB did not eat. I need to admit that I just can't get that fabulous Chipotle Dip at Liquor Barn anymore.

Thursday Update

Weight: 201.8 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: -0.4 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -5.4 lbs.
BMI: 34.1 (Obese)

Again, I was surprised that I lost weight because I did not think I was very “good” on Wednesday. I did do the JC thing during the day, but I let myself have a few chips and dip that night. I also drank some wine with EB while watching “Project Runway.”

Wednesday Update

Wednesday Update

Weight: 202.2 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: -0.2 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -5.0 lbs.
BMI: 34.2 (Obese)

Tuesday was a very hectic day at work, which I had predicted. I purposely took one of the JC chicken salad kits for this day. I had a vitamin bar for breakfast and the kit for a very late lunch.

The surprise in Wednesday’s weight, however, is that on Tuesday I ate fried food appetizers at a local Frankfort watering hole with co-workers. And I drank beer, though I had lots of water and stopped long before I had to go home. But still was impressed that I held given the fried pickles (which are really good).

Tuesday Update

Weight: 202.4 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: -2.0 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -4.8 lbs.
BMI: 34.2 (Obese)

I cannot really remember what I ate on Monday, but I did stick to a JC food day. I probably had even less than the plan allows.

Monday Update

Weight: 204.4 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: +1.4 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -2.8 lbs.
BMI: 34.5 (Obese)

Yes, this was because I did not adhere to a JC plan last Sunday. I finished off the seafood pasta salad I made and had one piece of a CPK garlic chicken pizza (grocery store bought). (EB had the rest of the pizza.)

Sunday update

Weight: 203.0 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: +0.4 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -4.2 lbs.
BMI: 34.3 (Obese)

I was not surprised to be up today, and I'm glad it's only 0.4 lbs. Yesterday I went to a baby shower for my sister, and of course there was plenty of food, particularly finger food. I had a chicken salad croissant sandwich, about six triangle sandwiches with spinach spread on them, a couple of hot ham & cheese sandwiches, pasta salad, mixed nuts, and cake. I had no breakfast before that, but I don't know if that would've made a difference. Then about 8:30 last night my parents and I had dinner at Ruby Tuesday and I had their Carolina Chicken Salad. After that I went home and had nothing else, so I'm glad about that.

Saturday Update

Weight: 202.6 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: -0.2 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -4.6lbs.
BMI: 34.2 (Obese)

Friday was an interesting day. I was running late for work and did not have time to eat the breakfast I had scheduled (cereal). So I just had the JC vitamin bar on the way. I didn't get to eat my JC chili until later in the afternoon, and then I also had a JC chocolate chip snack bar. Friday night, however, EB invited me out Buffalo Wild Wings, so I went. I had one of my favorites there -- Southwest Queso Chicken Wrap, and I had three light beers. So I was shocked when I got up Saturday morning and saw that I was essentially even at 202.6.

Friday Update

On Thursday I stuck to my plan, but I then made some shrimp pasta salad to use up a store-bought bag of frozen cooked shrimp I've had for over a year and some celery and onion. And I had some to see how it tasted, but not the whole thing, thank goodness. I also had some wine with EB (I had some wine on Wednesday night while watching Project Runway with EB, too.) So I wasn't surprised by my weight Friday morning:

Weight: 202.8 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: +0.2 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -4.4lbs.
BMI: 34.3 (Obese)

Thursday Update

Started my "customized-bastardized" Jenny Craig plan on Wednesday, and it appears to have had an effect:

Weight: 202.6 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: -2.4 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -4.6lbs.
BMI: 34.2 (Obese)

I also probably would've had water loss , anyway. But I was still very pleased.

Wednesday Update

I was right -- I was up:

Weight: 205 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: +0.6 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -2.2lbs.
BMI: 34.6 (Obese)

Still technically sick, but made it to work today. Started the Jenny Craig mash plan today. My only stray so far is after dinner, I finished off the Cheez-It chips. But I think I can get through the rest of the evening on plan.

I actually made a plan today!

Today I stayed home sick again. (I went to the doctor to make sure I didn't have anything more than a cold. He thought I had a sinus infection and gave me an antibiotic.) I actually felt a little better and thus ate more than I did yesterday, or least worse foods -- a personal pan pizza and some Cheez-It chips (the thin chips, not the crackers). Later in the day I was watching Oprah talk to a woman who had gained 100 lbs. after two divorces and somehow during this discussion I decided I needed to keep a food journal again. (Oprah mentioned nothing about food journals or how to diet; she and Dr. Robin were just focusing on how the woman's weight gain stemmed from her hating herself). I hated writing that pizza and Cheez-Its down in the journal, but then that's why the experts tell you to keep a food journal -- to hold yourself accountable.

Later (and before I saw the comment to my "Malaise" post -- I swear), I finally did what I've been meaning to do for weeks: I cataloged what Jenny Craig meals I have left over from months and months ago (by printing the meal lists from the website and then counting what I had) and then used the myJenny menu online planner to create a menu using those foods. I start tomorrow.

My plan is to use up what I have and then decide what to do from there -- either go back to Jenny Craig, switch to Nutrisystem, or something else. We'll see. I've arranged the foods in part based on convenience (breakfasts that I can eat in the car on weekdays; lunches I don't have to refrigerate at work) and the expiration date of the food (oldest ones first). I'm willing to alter the latter if I get bored, however. Again, we'll see.

Tuesday Morning Update

I'm going to try to provide a daily update from here on out (especially since I apparently have one other person besides me who has read this blog -- see the comment to my "Malaise" entry yesterday).

Here's the current stats:

Age: 34
Height: 5' 4.5"
Weight: 204.4 lbs.
Daily Loss/Gain: -1.6 lbs.
Total Loss from Lifetime Peak (7/24/06): -2.8lbs.
BMI: 34.5 (Obese)

I didn't "try" hard yesterday. I had a package of tortellini for lunch with pesto and grated cheese and then low-sodium chicken noodle soup for dinner. I think that was it. Oh, wait I just checked the food journal I restarted this week and saw that I had a Jenny Craig Lemon Cake with a little Redi-whip on top. My beverages were just soft drinks, water, and hot tea (which I usually do not drink but thought it might feel good with my throat and cold).

Congrats to my mom!

As I've written before on this blog, my mother has been working on losing weight since being diagnosed with Type II diabetes in early April. Her first goal was to lose twenty pounds. I'm proud to announce that as of today, she has lost exactly twenty pounds since her diagnosis. Hooray, Mom!

I am fatter than Carnie Wilson

I watched the premiere of "Celebrity Fit Club 4" last night and realized during the show that I am fatter than Carnie Wilson. Now, of course, Carnie is nowhere near what she was before her gastric bypass surgery years ago -- she's starting the show at 188 and they said her low after the surgery was 145. She was over 300 when she had the surgery. But still, given how much Carnie Wilson is associated with overweight people, (I feel for you on that Carnie), the fact that I am only an inch and a half taller than her but nearly 20 pounds heavier than her is a sobering thought.

I'm going to be interested in watching her progress on Celebrity Fit Club -- some celebrities like Tina Yothers were eager to lose more than the show had targeted for them. Carnie acted more like I expected a veteran of failed diets would -- she thought the target was great, but she didn't promise to lose any more than that -- she already knows how hard it's going to be.

Malaise

I've been in a malaise the past few days. Part of cause is my being sick right now (cold symptoms). But the other part of the cause is my weight and how that makes me feel about myself. Two weeks ago I hit a new lifetime high of 207.2 pounds. It came after eating some pizza. I've been up and down since then, but today I'm still 206.0 lbs. Ugh. I just can't seem to get going. But I know I need to do something soon. I'm feeling unhealthy, though I cannot identify any particular ailment. I'm looking pretty bad in some recent pictures. Fewer and fewer of my clothes are fitting me, particularly with the high-90s weather we've had the past two weeks.

But I don't know what to do. I still have a bunch of uneaten Jenny Craig meals and feel like I should eat those according to some plan, but I can't bring myself to do that. A few weeks ago I mulled over the possibility of one of those very-low calorie HMR plans but don't know if I can give up real food for that long, particular the social angle of real food -- I still want to able to go to dinner or lunch with someone. Low-carb diets like South Beach seem to require cooking, which I don't always have time to do.

I just don't know.

What the Heck Am I Doing?

Today my weight is 205.8 pounds on my bathroom scale. This is my lifetime high – I was also at this weight 13 days ago. My BMI is at 34.8, the tip top of “Class I” obese. Yet I’m still sitting here craving food – I am even considering pizza, which is crazy because that would send my weight even higher, yet part of me doesn’t care. And yet I do care. I hated the way I looked in a picture a friend took of me last week. But more importantly, I don’t feel healthy. I don’t feel ill or sick, but I don’t feel healthy. I can tell that I’m out of shape when I walk up stairs, etc.

I’ve been feeling down about my weight this week, and on some days this week I did well eating-wise, but then my eating and drinking this weekend has erased all of that. And then yesterday, my mom send me what she titled a “Mom Worry Email”. As I’ve noted earlier, she has been really working on her weight after being diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. She has done well and I’m proud of her. Understandably, she has been worried about my weight:

I weighed 197 this morning. This is not as low as my brief 196 and a fourth, but it is thirteen and a half pounds less than what I weighed on my birthday ... and about 15 pounds less than I weighed on your birthday. This goes slowly, but it does go, and I think if were more disciplined about exercise (my aching muscles discourage me I have to say) then I think it would go a little faster. What is worrying me most, however, is your weight. I am worried that you may weigh more than you did on your birthday - perhaps even more than I weigh now [I have not told my mom what I weigh, in part because I knew she would panic] - and I am three inches taller and a much bigger framed person overall.

(1) I would urge you to weigh faithfully. If your scales are not accurate - come over and use mine, and no one will look. Or buy your own set of balance beam scales. You have room in one of the baths, I would think. Facing reality is the first step towards making important changes.

(2) Make no mistake - the kind of weight you are now carrying will kill you - or perhaps worse, make your life physically miserable long before it kills you. I am not trying to scare you - well maybe I am - but I did not move into similar numbers until my fifties - and perhaps given my height - I have never been in numbers similar to yours (given your short stature/frame.) Well - I once did hit 221 ... the year after [my grandmother] went "down" and [my dad] was so ill and you divorced and the terrorists attacked. I think that was stress weight - and I fairly quickly came back down to the 210 - 212 range. Still, keep in mind that I am 5'7" tall and have huge feet and hands. I'm a big woman. This is way too much weight for me, but it is not the same ratio as for you at 5'4". The point though is this - As the doctor in choir said to his daughter - you are too young to carry this much weight.

(3) With things a little more slack at work, perhaps now is the time to seriously think about what you can do. I continue to worry that there is some physiological reason you gain so rapidly. Have you considered consulting an endocrinologist? There is little that you have not tried - and I heard the discouragement in your voice when you rattled off the different diets and different years to [my sister] the other night. You got a bum deal in the weight dept. of life (but an overdose of brains and personality and overall common sense so I guess one has to take what one is given and make the best of it.)

Personally I think you will have to do something different - something more "drastic." - to lose weight again, though perhaps I am wrong. You have succeeded with Jenny Craig and regular exercise in the past and might be able to do so again. I have wondered about HMR - Dr. Anderson's deal at UK. It would be expensive, but it might give you an "in" with their endocrinology department, and also give you the kind of one on one professional support you are going to need to get this weight off. From what I read online, they emphasize long term counseling. I possibly could do this with you depending on the cost - and depending on their advice for diabetics. I really need to get down to about 160 - 165 for health reasons.

I have also wondered about psychological counseling - if you have issues with overeating that I am unaware of. I do not see you eat enough - you eat wisely when we are together - to gain the way you do, but when I suggest a physical problem re: weight gain, you seem to indicate that you think you know why you are gaining -= that you are indeed overeating. Only you can answer that question. But you should not keep gaining weight on grilled salmon salads for dinner and turkey chef salads at lunch, etc. So be honest with yourself about what you are eating/drinking/doing.

(4) Keep in mind that my concern is that you reach a healthy weight. I am not bugging you about being model thin - a size 4 or whatever. This is not about looks - though you are a beautiful woman, your beauty a natural asset that could be helpful to you professionally, socially and emotionally - but about good health and living out your natural lifetime. It would be so much easier/better to discipline yourself now than to wait until you have a stroke or heart attack or develop diabetes or serious muscular skeletal issues. Then - there can never be a treat - a lapse - a vacation - or a sense of physical well-being.

(5) Of course, I worry that alcohol consumption may play a role in your weight issues. Only you know if that is true. Alcohol abuse is - well, abuse - and just as silly and unnecessary as any other drug abuse. It is not cool or smart and will not make you more popular. Right now, it is the "new" smoking ... but the smokers of my generation mostly ended up with cancer. So how cool is cancer? Hard to be popular when you're dead. Excessive, ongoing drinking will lead to both emotional and physical problems for your generation - for those not wise enough to recognize the risks. It seems less innocuous than illegal drugs - and I guess maybe it is - but it is NOT innocuous. I'm not talking about the occasional glass of wine or drink - but the day after day, week after week, of steady drinking that - if one is honest - is more than the standard definition of "a serving." Granted - others may be able to drink like fish and gain no weight - or even seem to avoid an addiction problem. But women, I've read over and over, are more impacted physically by alcohol than men - it causes more damage to their liver and increases their risk of breast cancer a lot - and are also more likely to get addicted. ... It is good that you do not drink alone. But if you abuse alcohol in groups - you are still abusing - drinking too much.

Well, I just love you so much. And I worry. I worry about you. Because I love you so much. Mom

I thought about editing some of this, but then I thought that would be dishonest. Mom touches on a number of themes that have recurred throughout my battles with my weight: the fact that I’ve tried a number of different diet programs, my frustration when I regain the weight, and my tendency to do most of my overeating in private. The latter has made my mom wonder if I have a physical ailment, but I’m not really sure that I do – my thyroid has been tested during weight gain before, and that’s normal.

As for the alcohol, she is right that the drinking I do does not aid my weight loss. I’ve noticed in particular lately that beer is worse for my weight than wine, even when I drink light beer. However, if I have too much wine, I will start eating to sober myself up.

Do I abuse alcohol? I have never thought so, but I should examine it. I do my drinking is social situations, which used to be only on weekends, but I do more drink more at social occasions during the week now. So I don’t know. . . I should say, however, that my mom does not drink at all, and wish I wouldn’t drink at all, either.

So where to go from here? I’ve resisted doing something as drastic as a medically supervised liquid diet, but going back to Jenny Craig food fills me dread – I don’t mean to insult the food itself – most of it is pretty good, but I burned out on it and have not gotten over it. Yet, I don’t have much time to cook. I don’t know what I can do, but I’ve got to find something.